Day 76 on Lexapro.
Day 54 on Lamictal.
posted much, much later…
This day I went to pick up Em from my mother’s. She had spent the night as I had worked so late the night before.
As we rode home in the car, she was curious to know what I had done.
“Did you take pictures of someone getting married?” She asked, seemingly in awe of the idea.
“I did. I took lots and lots of pictures.”
“But I wanted to come.”
“I know, but you couldn’t come this time.”
“Why? Were there no kids there?”
“Not really. Just your friend and he was the ringbearer, so he had to be there. But not many other kids.”
“Will you let me look at the pictures?”
“Of course! You can look at the pictures and see what it was like.”
“Okay.”
Though she seemed appeased, I added something else to think about.
“You know, when I get married again, you will definitely be there with me, okay?”
“When you get married I can be there?”
“Of course! You are my little girl!”
“Who will you marry?”
“I don’t know. There is nobody I want to marry right now. But one day, someone may come along and we might get married.”
“I know someone who you can marry.”
“Who is that?”
“My daddy. You can marry him! Is that a good idea?”
“Well, I don’t think that’s really a good idea because I don’t think we should be together anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s sick.”
“Why is he sick?”
Why is he sick?
Why is he sick?
I didn’t know what to say.
How do you ask a four year old to wrap her mind around paranoid schizophrenia when your 32-year old mind can’t make sense of it either?
You can’t.
You don’t.
“He just is.”
“Well I have an idea. Maybe we can bring him to our house and give him some medicine to make him better.”
“I think he does take his medicine already. Em…do you remember when he lived with us and we were yelling all the time?”
“Oh yes, I remember that.”
“Well that wasn’t good.”
“Do you remember when I was a baby and we lived at our old house and you and Daddy were yelling in the kitchen?”
“Yes, I do remember that.”
“Yeah. I remember that too.”
“Well, I think that’s why we can’t all live together now. And we cant get married again. To each other. Do you understand?”
“Yes, I understand.”
***************************************************
That night, after I dressed her for bed, Em and I sat on the floor together and hugged each other for a very long time.
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I thought that Em was so sweet. She is loves and trusts you so much that even at her young age she asks you if something she wants is a good idea. I like that you are so honest with her. You are a great Mom.
She is a sweetheart. She also has a relatively good understanding on what is going on, mental illness not withstanding. She is happy… she is healthy… and she is adorable. You really can’t ask for anything more.