Saturday, October 11, 2008

Day 61 on Lexapro.

Day 39 on Lamictal.

posted a few days later.

“…we don’t have to worry about money no more. And I said, that’s good. One less thing.”

- Forrest Gump

Today, I had one of my first photo shoots in a while.

A few months prior to the breakdown, I had scheduled two weddings for the end of this month. Included in these packages were engagement and bridal shoots.

Today was a bridal shoot.

While I was sick, following the breakdown, I had made the decision to give up photography completely. I was going to complete these two projects, then let the business go. I was simply overwhelmed and did not enjoy it anymore. My stomach sickened at the thought of shooting a session.

But breakdowns and sickness will do that. They will take what you love and crush it beyond recognition. They will make it impossible for you to enjoy even your greatest passions. They will twist your vision until you’re ready to give up everything and do anything else just to get by.
I know, because after my inital breakdown eight years ago, I gave up my dream of being an improvisational comedian. Though I had been studying and performing in Chicago, I retreated like a wounded puppy post-crash.

I was so sick then. At the time, I still think it was something I had to do.

It is not a secret that significant life changes should not be made around the time of a  breakdown…because you make choices based on how you feel…what you enjoy…and what you can handle.

But, before, during, and after a breakdown, you feel awful. You don’t enjoy anything. And what you can handle is almost nothing.

Though it’s so easy to forget this when you’re in the thick of it.

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Today, the bridal session was fun. Everyone had a blast. We walked all over one of the larger parks in Houston, playing and capturing the fun with my lens. We laughed and joked the entire time. At the end of the day, we were all tired but  happy.

On the ride home, I sat in the backseat of their car with my camera hanging around my neck. In between talking and laughing, I thought about how silly I had been. Photography is something I can do. It is something I can utilize to make money for myself and Em. Today, I realized if I could simplify my business and focus more on making money and providing a quality product…and less on the superfluous aspects…then I could bring in a decent additional income without extra stress.

Maybe, I thought, we wouldn’t have to struggle constantly anymore after all.