Monday, September 15, 2008

Day 35 on Lexapro.

Day 12 on Lamictal.

written ?? days later.

posted a long time later.

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Today Em asked about her dad. She mentioned his full name, so I thought I had misheard her. But I hadn’t. She clarified by clearly stating she was talking about her daddy.

“Is he still sick?” She asked.

“Yes, I think he might be sick again. He called and said he was in the hospital. But I think he will be okay.”

It is so hard telling her things like this, but I know I have to be honest. I have never been hurt by anything more than the lies people have told me. And I think it’s just the cruelest thing. Of course, almost every time someone has chosen to lie, they say it was because they thought they were protecting me. Or that it would be the best thing. Such poor judgment. Does the hard truth ever feel better later? No. Hard truths are compounded in difficulty when you find out the people you thought loved you have been lying to you instead. It never changes the facts. And you never don’t find out. You can only rely on what you know. And when you find out what you knew was never there, your reality falls right down the rabbit hole. It’s a sickening feeling to be sure. Lying has always been at the center core of the worst moments of my life.

As a result, I do not lie to Em. I am as honest with her as possible. Of course, I try to be gentle with the truth, but I do not discard it completely. What she doesn’t know could hurt her very much.

“When will we three be together again?” She asked.

I stopped and caught my breath. The question surprised me. We had talked about this quite a bit when he was first gone, but the subject hadn’t been broached in quite a while.

“Well, sweetie, we won’t be,” I told her. “Remember I explained that Daddy won’t be coming back.”

“Why?”

“Because he can’t. Because it’s not what is best for us.”

Not a lie. But not an easy answer either.

Sometimes there just are no easy answers.