Monday, September 8, 2008

Day 28 on Lexapro.

Day 5 on Lamictal.

written 4 days later…

posted 2 weeks later…

This day was wonderful. I woke up feeling great. It seemed as though the medicine was already kicking in. Before work, I had energy. I was able to fully dress Em, which was major progress for me. (When I was sick, I would just take her to meet my mom still clad in her pajamas.) But this day I got her up, dressed her, brushed her teeth and hair, and even prepared a small snack for her to enjoy in the car. I know she usually eats at my mom’s, but I thought she would enjoy a cereal treat.

And I was right. She was thrilled.

On the way to work, I listened to the classic country radio station…a big step for me as I had been listening to Judy Garland sing “Mean to Me” on a continuous loop since the breakdown occurred.

At work, my mind started to wander a bit as I began to consider ideas for Em’s party. I decided to hang up some of my big photo paper to cover the windows. Blue photo paper. Then I thought I should create big cartoon montages for the paper…of cowboys on the range. Maybe some cacti. Some stars for the top. Sand for the bottom. And…wait…on the paper covering one window “The stars at night, are big and bright…” and maybe on the other window “The prairie bloom are like perfume.” Maybe it could be a “Deep in the heart of Texas” theme. I started to get really excited. I love that kind of stuff.

By this day, 18 people had already RSVP’ed. And I’d only sent out the invitation the afternoon before. The invitees only had one week’s notice. I was thrilled. What a blessing. We have wonderful friends. Em was going to be beside herself.

On the way home from work, I decided to treat myself with food. Sometimes I like to pick up enough to last for lunch and dinner when I’m on my own for the day. And I have a card that allows me to get one extremely delicious chopped beef sandwich for free when I buy another. So, I stopped off and got two sandwiches…some loaded potatoes…some banana pudding…2 stuffed jalapenos…and 2 deviled eggs. Oh…and mustard greens. They looked good. I had never tried them before and decided today might be a good day.

When I went home I enjoyed my tasty treats. I also enjoyed relaxing and getting some things done. Mostly, I was anticipating a trip to the grocery store. My good friend Amy had agreed to help me go on a shopping trip. Despite our best efforts, we did not end up leaving until around 10pm.

While I was waiting for her, I received a call from my ex-husband. He was indeed in the hospital. Depressed. I told him I had gone back on medication as well. He asked if I was still dyslexic.

“I was never dyslexic,” I told him.

Finally, I realized he was talking about dysthymia…the periods of underlying depression with which I’d originally been diagnosed.

“No. I think that was an incorrect diagnosis. The periods of dysthymia were actually mania.”

“Well, that makes a lot of sense.” He replied.

“You knew that. I was with you when I was diagnosed.”

“Yeah. But it really makes sense…”

“Em’s birthday is on Saturday,” I said, wondering if he knew.

“I know. Will she be five?”

“She will be four. You should know that.”

“I do know that. I was just kidding. I know she’ll be four.”

“Okay.”

“I miss you. I love you.”

“I know.”

“You can call me if you want. You should have the number now.”

“If you want to call, you can call. Call when you can.”

And, after saying our goodbyes, we hung up.

The thing is, I know he misses us terribly. I know his mind is still tortured over us. Since he’s been gone, his life has not progressed in any way. He’s been stuck in a halfway house and intermittently in and out of the hospital. He has nothing to look forward to, nothing good. Six days a week, he goes to a day program where he attends groups. Then, he comes back where he does I’m not sure what. He is, in every way, trapped. He has nowhere to go. I don’t know that he has any opportunity to move forward. I think any forward movement would take a lot of volition on his part…and I think the depression which has trapped him…and the sickness that ensues when he is severely depressed…keeps him from that possibility. The only happiness he had was when he was with us. That is heavy on his mind. I know his heart breaks every day. He loved us very much. He says sometimes now that he knows he took me for granted. And he did. But, he was not a wholly bad person. In many ways, he was an extremely wonderful person. He had a good heart. I still believe that to be true. But, he was sick and we could not live with him anymore. He jeopardized our shelter, our emotional health, and our survival. With him, we were trapped, too. We had no friends and were constantly afraid. We had dreams that were really delusions. For so long, I believed he could get better. He could not get better. He was too trapped himself. For him, getting better would be truly a miracle.

My heart does break for him, and it’s hard to wrap my mind around what he is going through. As a matter of mere survival, I can’t think about it too much.

This night, when Amy arrived, we took my gift card and, armed with our favorite Sonic beverages, made our trek to the grocery store. In the car, we laughed and told stories. When I am with her, I always have so much fun. At the store, we loaded a shared cart with items we thought we’d need. I had a list of necessaries and decided to stock up on as many groceries I could. Mostly non-perishables, so they would last us a good long time. I also gathered cleaning supplies, hygiene items, and paper products. Other than choosing the most economical products I could find, I did not keep careful tabs on the prices of everything I dropped into the cart. I am very deliberate with my grocery shopping, though, and we took a long time. Such a long time, in fact, that it eventually neared midnight. At that point, an announcement was made on the loudspeaker and, all of a sudden, we were in a rush.

I made a mad dash for the toothpaste as I frantically said to Amy, ”Find the Febreze! Find the Febreze! Fabric Febreze, Amy! Help me find the Febreze!”

In the end, we made it just in time. Amy went before me and the cashier gave her a $5 coupon off of her next purchase over $50. She immediately handed the coupon to me.

“Oh no,” the cashier admonished. “She can’t use that coupon because I just saw you give it to her. We use those to keep you coming back.”

I couldn’t believe it. I was so agitated.

As she rung up my groceries, Amy slid around and began to help her bag. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her lean into the checker. She made eye contact and under her breath I heard her say, “She could really use that coupon.”

The final total rang up at $99 and some change.

My gift card was for $100.

Amazing.

Then, the cashier scanned the coupon.

Minus five dollars.

Even more amazing.

After thanking the cashier and pulling our cart out of the store, I turned to Amy.

“I heard what you said,” I told her. “About me needing the coupon.”

“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” she said.

“Well, I did,” I told her. “And it almost made me cry.”

“Well, I saw you were getting upset. When she said you couldn’t use the coupon, your eyes started blinking real fast and you started doing this with your mouth.” She then proceeded to purse her lips and twitch them uncomfortably.

Oh, how she makes me laugh.

“Well, thank you,” I told her. “You don’t know how much I appreciate it. And I appreciate you coming to the store with me, too.”

“She changed her mind when she saw the diapers,” she said.

“That makes sense.”

On the ride home, we laughed even more. Upon arrival to my apartment, we unloaded the groceries together.

My heart leapt with joy. I felt like I was finally getting caught up. My pantry was so full. Em and I had everything we needed.

When this day ended, I was grateful to Amy for going to the store with us and the anonymous donor of the HEB card who made it all possible in the first place.

God is so good.