It is when I am sick that I desperately seek the approval of others. When I was younger, this was more apparent. At the height of my illness, I rarely made a decision without calling six to eight people to see if they agreed with something I was about to do. Often, some would say yes… others would say no…and I was left to proceed with those whose opinions most closely matched my own. I never trusted myself. I thought I was stupid and inept.

I wasn’t. I was just sick.

In this latest fit of temporary blindness…I found myself seeking approval again in much more subtle fashion…doing things so others would notice…and appreciate them…and say how darn wonderful they thought I was as a result.

Obviously, I needed to feel validated…but the problem is…this sort of validation is faulty in its execution.

It falls from beneath you at the most inopportune times.

Now that I know this is what I’ve been doing…again…I can start doing things that are right because I know they are right…and because I know they are what is best, first and foremost, for myself and my daughter. This is a crucial part of the inner core I’ve been talking about. When you’ve got the inner core, these kind of decisions don’t take second thought and they’re not up for debate. They are what is right and good and whole.

I am so different when I’m not sick.

It may take a long time for me to do the right things again…and make the best decisions. My thinking may always be a challenge. I am determined that I will get better, though. I never expected this to go away overnight. I knew in my whole heart that it might be a lifelong struggle. I just expected it to get a little bit easier…which it has.