Saturday, August 23, 2008

Day 12 on Lexapro.

10:49 pm

11:30am ~ Today I am sitting here, allowing my mind go to the Wastelands again because I have too much time on my hands. At the same time, I’m all anxious because I feel like this is the only free day I have to get everything done.

And I think that if I get everything done today, maybe I’ll start off the new week more freshly and fantastically. Maybe that’ll be the key to me feeling better for good. But, I’m tired. I have to get a little bit done at a time.

And if I keep coming back here…gravitating to the computer…typing about what I’m getting done…and not getting done…the only thing that really ends up getting done is me typing about what’s not getting done. Sigh.

Grr. Back to the Wastelands again. There is a lot of anger in my heart today.

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Somewhere, at around 5pm, I found myself again sitting in front of the computer. I still had accomplished absolutely nothing. Wait…maybe I had…no, I’m pretty sure I had accomplished absolutely nothing.

And accomplishing absolutely nothing had left me exhausted.

For the next two hours, I was in and out of bed, waffling as to whether or not I should attempt to take a nap or not. Eventually, the Diet Coke in my system won out and no nap was had by me.

And then, at around 7pm, the most amazing thing happened.

Unexplainable energy coursed through my veins.

And things started getting done. As of tonight, at 10:33pm, the living room has been completely picked up –a huge task as it had not been in weeks. Then, my daughter’s room was completely picked up – again, a huge task, too. Several loads of laundry were done and several bags of trash were taken out. Tomorrow, with the task seeming so manageable, I’m sure the rest of it can and will get done.

I have new hope. I think things really are getting better. Maybe they will be better than they have ever been before. I truly believe they can be. For so long now, I’ve kept one idea in mind: just keep moving in a forward direction. When things got hard…when nothing seemed to make sense…when it seemed like I just couldn’t go anymore…I kept telling myself, just keep moving in a forward direction.

Maybe, even though I had a breakdown, none of that was for naught. Maybe all of the forward movement I’ve put forth is still on my side. Maybe I was just carried for a little while.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the biggest fails bear the fruit that are our greatest gifts. Never forget to look inside the times that seem to be the most miserable, the darkest…the times that seem to bring the most pain. It is in those times I have found things I never expected…wonderful things. Sometimes they are lessons…sometimes they are friends…sometimes they are just good qualities in me that I didn’t know were there.

Tonight, as I sit here, my fingernails are growing back. When I had the breakdown almost two weeks ago, I feverishly bit them down to the skin. Now, I can see whites again. And tonight, as I sit here, my mind is a little bit clearer. It’s a little bit clearer than it has been in years. Maybe clearer than it has ever been. And tonight, as I sit here, I am grateful that I made it through another Saturday – another long day with my thoughts, but nowhere near as long as it was last week. Thank you, God.