Friday, August 22, 2008

Day 11 on Lexapro.

10:10 pm

Don’t get your hopes up because I’m wearing lipstick today.

Amazing. How can I complain? Today was certainly not the best day I’ve had, but, compared to its predecessors, it was pretty damn good.

First, I slept well. I even slept all night. I woke up at 2:30am, but was able to lull myself back to sleep right away. No thoughts invaded my mind and bounced around frenetically, forcing me to lie there awake. No. They didn’t. I just went back to sleep and that was that.

Then, when morning broke through my bedroom blinds, I woke with a sort of smile on my lips. Because last night, something sort of nice happened. Something that made me feel good. Something that wasn’t really a big deal…but big enough to effectively edge out the negativity that had been eating me alive. So in a small way, I guess it was big.

And it put me in sort of a giggly mood. And in a spurt of good cheer, I put on lipstick for the first time in a long time.

And then I went to work. And I felt better than I’ve felt in weeks. Yes, I was still very tired…but the horrible feelings that had been weighing me down so severely were gone. There were no panic attacks. There was no pain of any kind. Just me, getting through the day.

And all day, I looked forward to going home and relaxing…and continuing to rest and recuperate as my body had been through so much in the past few weeks.

So, I’ll admit I got a little irritated when someone, thrilled at how well I seemed to be doing, suggested that I go out this weekend – and do all sorts of fun things and expend some energy.

Ugh. I couldn’t help but feel like I’d been punched in the stomach. Sometimes…a lot of the time…you just can’t explain enough. And these are the times when I feel like I have to pretend that I feel worse than I do, so people don’t rush me into things I can’t quite handle…before I am truly ready to handle them.

It’s always frustrating when people don’t understand. I feel like the hell I’ve put my body through, particularly in recent days, has been almost more than it can bear. I also know that I don’t have much energy in me, and if I get into a dangerous place…where I become worn down again, my mind could skip right back to where it was. I know that, until I have my full capacities back, until I can unload the dishwasher and not feel like I’ve run a marathon, I have to take it easy. I have to be kind to myself and respect my body’s limits…and consequently, the limits of my sometimes weary mind. I’m not stupid. I’ve been here before. And I’ve been there before. Quite frankly, I’m not interested in going back.

Consequently, some degree of self-inflicted bed rest will continue until further notice.

I look forward to tomorrow, to see what kind of difference it brings from last week. Last weekend was so difficult because the days were so long…I found them difficult to endure. I think, though, that tomorrow just might be a world of better.